I was sure He didn’t know what He was doing. The maker of heaven and earth, who knew how many hairs were on my head, was confused about my life and how much I could handle. Was He looking the other way, distracted somehow?
I had a three year old, a one year old and was pregnant with my third baby when my husband left. How did God not see this coming? I already felt overwhelmed so how was I going to handle another little one? But in those moments, with the tiny thread of faith I was holding onto, I named that baby boy Jonathan, which means gift from God.
In the early days of parenting chaos I couldn’t really see it, couldn’t appreciate it. I just saw two adorable boys playing baseball in the front yard, wrestling in the basement and playing video games.
I started to see it when seemingly overnight they became two teenage boys challenging and bumping against each other by day and then whispering like co-conspirators at bedtime about school and life and girls.
And this past weekend it was all so crystal clear. I watched two young men laughing like loons as one "taught” the other to dance in the living room, big brother getting little brother ready for his first school dance. Later, they crowded together in the bathroom, older helping younger tie his tie. It was a sacred, holy moment.
As they stood looking in the mirror, I stood looking back in time and finally appreciated that God knew exactly what He was was doing all those years ago. Before they were even formed in the womb He saw this day. From little boys playing together, to teenagers insulting each other, they became two young men standing together. He saw it all and knew that they would need each other-- that with this gift of brotherhood, they would teach each other to be men. It turned out that both their names, in this mother’s heart at least, mean gift from God.
Looking back, is so important. It is only in the looking back over our days that we can see the hand of God so clearly. We can see His plan, His purpose, and His fingerprints on our lives. We see His incredible faithfulness to us. And He is faithful, always faithful-- always good.
So look back, see HIM in your yesterdays. It just might give you the strength to face your tomorrows.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.